Ponderings

Little by little over the first year, God showed me his calling for my life in particular.  It started with a verse, Matthew 10:19-20.  Jesus is telling the disciples not to worry about being arrested, but then he goes on to say, “Do not worry about what to say or how to say it, at that time you will be given what to say for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.”  This verse is underlined in my Bible, and dated  January 26, 2005, just three months after the accident.

It was in March 2005 that I was first invited to share in a worship service about what God was doing in my life.  It was just a few minutes long, but it was a taste of what was to come.  At that point I was still wondering what God really wanted to do with it all.  People were telling me that I would do something huge, or God wouldn’t have left me behind.  Little by little though, I got to the point where I told God that I would do whatever He wanted, even if it was nothing more than just staying in Miami, Oklahoma and sharing what God was doing in my life with one person at a time.

By the beginning of 2006, I knew that God wanted me to travel and speak, but I was really struggling with that calling.  I liked leading group discussions, but to stand before people and do all the talking was quite another matter.

In January, my husband’s grandmother died, and I made the 400 mile trek to the funeral alone.  All the way, I argued with the Lord that I couldn’t do what He was asking of me.  When I got to the funeral, the pastor took the pulpit and said, “I’ve never used this scripture before for a funeral, but I’m convinced that it is what He wants me to use today.  Turn to Isaiah 43:19.  ‘See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?'”  Wow.  I have no idea what the pastor said after that.  I only knew that it seemed very unfair that God would use a funeral message to talk to me about me.  Shouldn’t it be about Grandma???

So, I went to the graveside.  When I could contain my tears no longer, I walked to the van, and said, “Ok, God, I’ll go.”  In the van, I saw that my phone was blinking.  Thinking that I was interrupting the conversation with God, I paused to listen to the message.  It was from a lady I did not know, inviting me to come to speak at a women’s retreat.  I was astounded.  God told me that day to hold on, it would be intense and short lived.  It was.  I spoke 35 times in the next year.  Then it slowed way down, and things began to change yet again.

It still astounds me that God chose to do this through me.  I don’t suppose I’ll ever know why me, but I’m very grateful that there is purpose to my life.  It is ever so meaningful to me to see someone respond to Jesus because of my story.  I picture my kids in heaven cheering me on as I continue to share the message of what I hope for….and what they see….

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